I drift.

If you have every taken any advanced swimming classes, one of the things that it required is to tread water for 20 minutes. Being the over-achiever that I am, I try to best that by not using my feet, or not using my hands. The trick to treading water is that even though you stay in one place, you are constantly moving.

If you dont keep moving, you may just barely keep your head out of water, and therefore stay alive, but you will drift. The waves, current, or water flow will move you ever so slowly out of where you want to be. To stay where you are, you must be intentional.

But to get ahead, to actually get somewhere, you need to swim. You need to put effort into your movements, push water out of your way and propel yourself through the water.

I drift.

I get all comfortable in my walk with Jesus, and he stops becoming my Lord and is more like a buddy. Buddies tend to lull us into complacency, because we know they love us no matter what we do, so we can be a jerk to them and know everything will be all right anyway. And it is. He still loves and accepts me, but I slowly and slightly, little by little, drift away until he is barely a dot on the horizon. Not only is he not my Lord, but he is not even close to me. I can call him,. or get busy and swim to him, and all is well, but I have to intentionally stay there. Accepting his Lordship over my life and staying close takes intentional movement on my part.

But I drift.

So - if someone writes a blog, and no one reads it, is it really a blog?

Anyway....topic - hearing from God
Sometimes when i am having a hard time with this, i take a walk, and, like a crazy person, i talk to Jesus, as
 if he were walking with me. Odd, but it works for me.

We had some conversations this weekend. See, when I left my job at FAoG, I really didn't sense that God was telling me to leave. Which really rattled my brain, because other people were. So it really messed with my confidence in hearing God. And now, even as I look back and realize that leaving was the plan, that doesn't help my confidence either. Of course, I have to remember that I was in a dark place then - emotionally bullied, spiritually dry, intellectually burnt out.

Back to the present - So when I asked "seriously, should i find another church?" and the answer was "no"....well, does that mean I am supposed to be here? Am I really hearing God or taking the easy route? But actually, staying is much harder than going somewhere else, so maybe not. It also means that  I am truly going to be fully engaged in my church family, there are some things that I have to deal with. And I would prefer to run from that as well. So it sounds like staying is what God would prefer, although I know he will love me just the same if i do not.

And when I asked, "should i leave my small group?" (side note - i know we don't really call them small groups anymore, but when i am talking to jesus, i can use the language i prefer), the answer was a little more complicated - it came across more like "if you are leaving to go somewhere else where you are needed, then sure. if you are leaving to just stop going anywhere, then no". ok, this wasn't really going where I had expected.

And when I asked "should i really try to write? i really would like to do a devotional series based on outreach, and themed off of the GREEN idea - god - insiders - outsiders" . and i clearly heard "abuse". So i ignored that and wrote out some ideas and outlines and drafts. And then I hit a brick wall. Why, God, I am doing this for you? No, you are doing it for you. I want you to write about abuse - and let women know that they are capable of being loved, and deserve it. ME: But....But....that will be hard! GOD: yes, it will. I will be with you. But you can write about what you want to. This is what I want you to write about.

So that wasn't going my way, but i was getting more confident in hearing his voice. There were more questions, but these were the only questions he answered for me. I think this is enough.